


Let in the Rain

by cuubism



Series: bingo [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Ambiguously Canon Compliant, Asexuality Spectrum, Attraction, Body Worship, Demisexual Magnus Bane, Devotion, Discussions of Sex Love and Intimacy, Emotional Sex, Gentle Sex, Grey-Romantic Alec Lightwood, Identity, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Internalized Acephobia, It's not extremely graphic, Light Angst, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Romance, Self-Discovery, Self-Worth Issues, Semi-Graphic Smut, Sex-Favorable Ace Magnus Bane, Sexuality, intimacy issues, total wish fulfillment fic, very sappy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:34:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27966884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuubism/pseuds/cuubism
Summary: Magnus has a complicated relationship with sex and attraction. A romantic evening on Valentine's Day helps create new understanding.Bingo Square: Valentine's Day
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: bingo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2200293
Comments: 82
Kudos: 199





	Let in the Rain

**Author's Note:**

> for days my brain has been going ‘demi magnus demi magnus demi magnus’ so here it is. demi magnus. 
> 
> I’d be remiss in not mentioning [EmmaArthur](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27724664) and [Carmenlire](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27031606) for their fics about asexuality which definitely inspired this. Go check them out :)
> 
> also – this does contain smut. while i didn't write it as intentionally skippable, feel free to just skip/skim it if that's not what you want to read :) it's all good  
> (and pls don't judge my smut too harshly thx)

“Magnus. Are you okay?”

Magnus lifts his head from where he’d been kissing under Alec’s jaw to look at him. Alec’s brow is furrowed, his gaze flitting over Magnus’s face.

“Yes?” Magnus questions. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, you just seemed kind of… distant.”

He had been distant. He’d been kissing Alec, but instead of losing himself in the moment, he’d been _thinking_ about kissing Alec, in the abstract. He’s been doing this more and more, analyzing himself, picking apart his own experience in the hopes of… he doesn’t even know. _Not_ having to have a necessary talk with his boyfriend about his biggest relationship shortcoming?

The questions keep circling his head, like an experimental checklist: _Am I enjoying kissing him? Yes. Am I enjoying straddling his lap? Yes. Do I like feeling his arousal? Yes. Do I want to have sex with him? Yes. Do I think he’s beautiful? Yes. Am I attracted to him?_

……

His brain always shorts out over that one.

_“Magnus.”_

Magnus blinks back to awareness again, refocusing on Alec, who’s watching him with some concern from where he lies under him on the bed. His hands are braced on Magnus’s thighs, and he starts rubbing soothing circles into them with his thumbs. Magnus tries to focus on it.

“Sorry, darling,” Magnus says, leaning in to press a light kiss to the corner of his lips, “I can’t help the fact that you’re very distracting.” Maybe they can just—continue on, and ignore the fact that Magnus is making this more difficult than it has to be.

It’s not supposed to be _difficult_ between them. _Sex_ isn’t supposed to be _difficult_ between them. Magnus _likes_ having sex with Alec, loves it even, loves having him close, loves feeling him. He doesn’t know why he always has to mess it up.

Alec doesn’t take the out that Magnus offers. “Are you okay?” he repeats instead, and he’s starting to look truly concerned, probably because of whatever stupid fragile expression is written on Magnus’s face. “Do you want to stop?”

 _No_ , Magnus thinks. _Yes_. He doesn’t say anything, and Alec pushes himself upright, dislodging Magnus a bit from where he was sitting in his lap.

“Okay,” Alec says, “let’s stop.”

“No!” Magnus grabs a hold of the collar of Alec’s shirt—because they hadn’t even gotten as far as removing their shirts before he’d started _being weird about it_ —to stop him from leaving the bed. Not that Alec’s making any move to do that, but this is always how it starts. The realization that Magnus can’t be into his partner the way they’re into him. The confusion. The disappointment. The _leaving_. They’re still so new, he doesn’t want to lose Alec, not _yet._

“Hey, _hey_.” Alec untangles his hand from his shirt and holds it, cupping Magnus’s cheek with the other. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Magnus doesn’t want to talk about this. They’d been having such a nice evening. Alec had cooked this lovely dinner, plied Magnus with his favorite wine, put on music… It’s their first Valentine’s Day together. Magnus wants it to be _nice._

But Alec’s always been honest with him about his experience. He deserves the same in return.

Magnus swallows and says, “Do you remember our first time?”

Alec scans him uncertainly. “Of course.”

Magnus closes his eyes, leaning into Alec’s touch. Needing it. “I wasn’t entirely honest with you, that night.”

Alec tenses under him. His hand disappears. Alarm is written all in his voice, in the lines of his body. “Magnus—”

And Magnus doesn’t want him to be alarmed, because Magnus _treasures_ that memory, holds it tight to his chest in the early morning hours when he has doubts about himself. There’s no reason to be alarmed, except in how strongly he feels about it, the potential that has for destroying him.

“When I—” the words get stuck in his throat. “When I hesitated, I told you it was because of my mark. That was true, but it wasn’t the only reason. I was also… worried.”

Now Alec looks truly distressed, and that isn’t what Magnus wanted at all, for Alec to doubt how much he enjoyed _any_ of their times together. Alec shifts away from him, back towards the headboard, and Magnus decides that he can take a hint and climbs off his lap, trying not to feel hurt. This leaves them sitting several feet apart on the bed. Magnus pulls his knees up to his chest.

“Magnus,” Alec says, voice tinged with urgency, hands flexing in the sheets instead of reaching out to him, “if you— if you didn’t want anything that happened that night, you _need_ to tell me now so I can make sure to never do it again. I— _fuck_ , I can’t believe I—”

Magnus holds out a hand to still his panic, stomach swooping at the intensity of Alec’s tone, the fear in it. “That’s not what I mean. I loved everything we did that night. I meant it when I said that I wanted it. Wanted _you_. Please believe me.”

Alec still looks a bit panicky. “Okay.” Slowly he seems to calm. “So… what _did_ you mean?”

“Just that I—” he doesn’t know why this is so hard to explain. “I’ve lost more than one partner to mismatched expectations. And it always starts like that, with them wanting something that I can’t give.”

In an instant that furrow of unease is back between Alec’s brows. “Magnus, have you been”—he’s starting to look sort of ill—“ _compromising_ —?”

 _“No.”_ Magnus decides that all this circuitousness is doing more harm than good and he just has to come out and say it, hard though it is, before he gives Alec an actual heart attack. “It’s not about wanting or not wanting sex. I’ve always wanted to have sex with you whenever we’ve had it. It’s not about that. It’s about… desire. Attraction.”

Most people don’t realize that those can be separate, in Magnus’s experience. Magnus himself hadn’t until he’d started getting complaints from his partners. _Don’t you want me? Aren’t I enough for you? Why do you never initiate anything?_

Alec doesn’t question him on it, just keeps watching him intensely.

Magnus ducks his head. “That’s where I… fall short, I’m afraid.”

“You’re not _falling short_.”

“I appreciate that, but it’s what always seems to happen. I fall way too hard for someone and then”—he starts talking faster, he needs to get out of this conversation, he doesn’t know why he brought this up, opened this door for Alec to flee—“I can’t give them what they _really_ want and—they leave. If not at first, then eventually.”

He looks down at his hands, twisting them together. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Alec shift across the bed to sit beside him.

“Sorry,” Alec says, “I just felt like I needed to be closer to you for this conversation. If that’s not… making it worse.”

Magnus shakes his head and gratefully retakes his hands.

“Can you tell me,” Alec continues, and now it sounds like he’s barely holding back anger, “what exactly they _wanted_ that you _couldn’t_ give them?”

Magnus lifts one shoulder in a weak shrug. “Intimacy. Closeness. Mutual attraction.”

“Magnus, _you’re_ capable of those things. I’ve experienced it myself. Who cares if it’s not in the same way?”

“Everyone wants to feel _desired_ , Alexander.”

“How could they not, with you looking at them?”

Magnus swallows hard.

“So you thought,” Alec says, feeling it out, sounding sort of hurt, “that after we had sex, I would want you _less?”_

“You deserved the full experience—”

“The _what?”_ Alec leans forward, holds tight to Magnus’s hands. “Magnus, look, you came into this relationship with way more experience than I did. But even I know there isn’t _one universal way_ to have sex. It’s different for every relationship. I love _you_. I want _you._ I like having sex with _you_. I don’t feel like I’m getting—what, a _'_ _subpar sexual experience?'_ Is that what you think? Is that what you think I care about?”

“No, I—” Magnus bites his lip. Talking about this always just makes him feel more confused. “I don’t know.”

Alec starts rubbing soothing circles into Magnus’s wrists. “Can you—explain how you’re feeling? Where do you think you’re—” his lips twist over the word “— _lacking?”_

“I struggle with—” Magnus swallows. How is he supposed to tell his _boyfriend_ that he’s not sure if he’s _attracted to him?_

No other way but to just say it. “I struggle with… attraction. I… can experience romantic feelings for someone quite easily— _too_ easily, perhaps—but when it comes to sex I— there’s a disconnect. Between thinking someone is beautiful and wanting to have sex—there’s nothing— there’s no bridge between those things. And it doesn’t bother me, not really. For a long time I didn’t even realize I _wasn’t_ experiencing something. But… it’s bothered my partners, in the past. Knowing that I’m not attracted to them.”

He bites his lip, waiting for Alec’s response, waiting for Alec to be similarly upset with him. But Alec just keeps watching him, thoughts percolating behind his eyes.

“They seemed to think,” Magnus continues, freeing one of his hands to tug at his ear, “that it meant I didn’t love them. Or that I didn’t really want to be with them. Or that I didn’t enjoy what we were doing, or was faking it, or any number of other things. All untrue. I just… wasn’t attracted to them in the way they were to me.”

He looks down at his hands, because this is where he’s going to get the question he’s dreading. _Are you attracted to_ me?

“Magnus…” Alec starts, sounding thoughtful, “do you think… are you asexual?”

Magnus blinks once, twice, three times. Then he looks up at him.

Alec has his head tilted to the side, watching him. And Magnus—Magnus’s mind is blank, he doesn’t know what to say to him. He can’t fathom where Alec even _learned_ that term. He doubts it was on the Institute computers when he was growing up.

“I—” the words get stuck in his throat. He doesn’t even know what words they are.

“You don’t have to answer,” Alec tells him, squeezing Magnus’s hands. “It’s just— it sounded like that was what you were describing.”

Magnus can’t be ace. He _knows_ people who are ace. _Raphael_ is ace. That isn’t what he’s experiencing.

Is it?

“How do you even know what that word means?” Magnus asks instead of answering. “I doubt they covered it in Shadowhunter Sex Ed.”

“Bold of you to assume Shadowhunter Sex Ed even exists,” Alec says, lips tilting up in a wry smile. “I learned it from Izzy.”

_“Izzy?”_

“Yeah. I mean, you know that I never dated anyone before you. Well, there was Lydia, but that wasn’t really— we weren’t really _dating_. But before her, no one. So one time, Izzy cornered me and asked me if that meant I was ace. I told her no, I just didn’t know anyone _worth_ dating. Well, after she explained what she was talking about, that is.”

“And was that true?” Magnus asks, curious. “What you told her? That there wasn’t anyone worth it?”

Alec rubs at the back of his neck. “I mean, partially? It wasn’t _not_ true. More than that, it just—would have been too much to risk, even if there _was_ someone. But I didn’t really want to get into that with her. She would have tried to change my mind.”

Magnus can only agree with that assessment. He nudges Alec’s knee, a smile finding its way to his face again for the first time since they started talking. “So… you _did_ find someone worth dating, after all, hm?”

Alec rolls his eyes, but a smile tugs at his lips. He leans in to give Magnus a kiss. “Obviously. Don’t rub it in.”

Magnus pats his knee, throws him a wink. “I’ll only gloat about it a little bit, don’t worry.”

Alec considers him. “I’m sorry that I never… asked. I guess it didn’t even occur to me, after the way you flirted with me whenever we were together.”

“Ah… yes,” Magnus agrees, remembering how unashamed he was in admiring Alec’s body. “That’s the only way I’ve ever learned how to flirt, I suppose. I wasn’t lying to you, though. I _did_ like what I saw. Still do. Just… not in the way you were thinking, necessarily.”

He might, one day. That happens for him, sometimes, with people he feels too deeply about. But he can’t control it, so he doesn’t want to get Alec’s hopes up.

In the meantime, he hopes Alec doesn’t decide that this means they can’t have sex. He’s gotten that reaction before, too—the misperception that because he’s not attracted to his partner means he can’t consent, can’t _want_ this. When the truth is he doesn’t even know how convey how much he _does_ want this, especially with Alec.

Alec’s watching him quietly. “What are you thinking?” Magnus asks.

“Just that I want to be extra careful with you in the future,” Alec says. “Can I kiss you?”

Magnus nods, and Alec kisses him, deep and full of longing. Magnus doesn’t know how Alec could possibly be _more_ careful with him.

But as they pull apart, a thread of familiar nervousness makes its way back into Magnus’s stomach.

“You still haven’t asked.”

Alec’s brow furrows. “Asked what?”

Magnus just stares at him. “If I’m attracted to _you_. It’s a perfectly reasonable question to have of one’s partner, Alexander.”

“Sure, but… I thought you made it pretty clear that you weren’t?” He doesn’t seem unduly upset by it, more confused by the direction the conversation’s taken than anything.

Magnus just gapes at him. “I—”

Alec squeezes his hands. “It’s okay. It’s just— I don’t get why it matters? I mean, it doesn’t change anything. I’m in love with you.”

He says it so simply. Like this doesn’t overturn almost every romantic experience Magnus has had in his life. Like the _ease_ of it doesn’t uproot Magnus’s entire conception of himself.

Should it have always been this easy?

“And like,” Alec continues, and only now is there a hint of uncertainty in his tone, “you love me? You want to be with me… right?”

“ _Yes_ , Alexander. Of course.”

Alec’s shoulders relax. “Okay, so, it’s okay, you know? I mean it matters because… I want to know you. And I want to… make sure I’m not pushing you when I shouldn’t be. And I’m glad that you told me. But I don’t want you to worry about, like, me getting upset over it or anything. It hasn’t created a problem for us so far, I don’t think? And I mean…” he finishes lamely, “I love you.”

Magnus stares at him for a long moment, and then starts to laugh, a slightly hysterical laugh that increases in pitch until he pitches forward to bury his face in Alec’s chest, trying to catch his breath. _Don’t worry about it?_ he thinks incredulously. All he’s _ever_ done is worry about it. Oh, Alexander.

Alec’s hands come up to tentatively hold his shoulders. “Magnus?”

Magnus tucks his face under Alec’s jaw, breathing out slowly to steady himself. “I’m sorry. You just— you just don’t understand how singular you are. You are _incredible_ , Alexander. I love you.”

He might be crying, now, overwhelmed by the simplicity of Alec’s devotion, the devastating _relief_ of not having everything collapse out from under him. He presses closer into Alec’s neck, sniffling.

“Magnus?”

“Give me a hug?”

Alec wraps his arms around him, pulls him tight to his chest, and Magnus loves the solid warmth of him, the comfort of his wonderful hugs.

Alec holds him close, and asks, sort of hesitant, “Does it bother you? That… _I’m_ attracted to _you?”_

Magnus shakes his head. “No, it doesn’t bother me.” It had sometimes, with former partners. Not their attraction in itself, but what it seemed to ask for, the fact that it might mean a break between them, disappointment in him. But with Alec—

“I like it,” he admits. “I like that you want me. I like when you look at me like you can’t get enough of me.”

“That’s all the time,” Alec says into his hair, and Magnus smiles.

“You know what I mean.”

Alec holds him for a while, then says, “So do you think you are? Asexual?”

Magnus sighs. “I don’t know. Let me sit with it for a while, and I’ll get back to you.” But even as he says it, something’s clicking through in his mind, a realization he should have had ages ago if he wasn’t so incredibly dense. _He_ was the one who explained to Raphael what asexuality even _was_ , for _crying out loud_ —

Then something occurs to him. “Wait, what did you say before? That I was the only person you ever thought worth dating?”

“We need our ego stroked today, huh?”

Magnus swats at his arm, then pulls away so he can look at him properly. Alec just looks back at him, one eyebrow raised.

“Is that what you said?” Magnus asks.

“Um, yeah? I mean, sometimes I would see a guy that I thought was attractive, but it just didn’t seem worth the risk, you know? I didn’t care about him. I didn’t… have _feelings_ for him, or whatever. There was no reason to bother. Izzy and Jace always thought it was weird, how much I just didn’t give a shit. As if what they were doing was any better, making insane decisions for people they barely knew.”

Magnus just looks at him, lips twitching as hope and amusement bloom in his chest. “Darling, you do understand what that sounds like, don’t you?”

Alec stares at him, unblinking, and then he’s tipping his head back with a groan. “Ugh, _God_ , not _me, too_.”

Magnus laughs. “Yes, _you, too_. It’s a buy-one-get-one sale on sexuality crises this evening. Get it while it lasts.”

“What even is _this one?”_

“Some flavor of aromanticism, I expect.”

Alec looks at him again, lips tipping up into a smile. “Okay, _never_ tell Jace and Izzy about this. _Especially_ Izzy. They will never let me live it down if they know they were _right_.”

Magnus laughs again, and pulls him into a kiss, smiling against his mouth.

“So,” he says when they part, “you didn’t make the connection? Even when you uprooted your entire life over me? Just like you’d been criticizing your siblings for? What did you _think_ you were doing?”

“Uh, obviously I thought _you_ were worth it, and their partners-of-the-week _weren’t_.”

Magnus laughs so hard he has to tuck his face into Alec’s shoulder to quell it, letting Alec hold him up. Alec starts laughing too, one hand going to Magnus’s hair.

“I love you,” Magnus says into Alec’s shoulder. “You are so ridiculous, and I love you.”

Alec laughs again and presses a kiss into Magnus’s hair. Magnus holds him for a moment, then pulls away to look at him.

“What did it feel like?” he asks. “When you met me. How was it different? Or was it?”

Alec’s gaze on him is much more serious now. “It was difficult,” he admits. “Maybe I _should_ have made the connection with what my siblings had been feeling for their partners in the past, but I didn’t. It felt so much bigger than that. It was _terrifying_ , what I felt for you. Dangerous. Destabilizing. But also… exhilarating. I wanted more of you. I’ve always wanted more of you.”

Magnus swallows, reaching out to brace a hand on Alec’s knee. His voice is little more than a pained whisper. _“Alexander.”_

“I had never felt like that,” Alec continues. “So… out of control. Sometimes I think that when—” his gaze slants away from Magnus “—when I proposed to Lydia, turned away from you—it was about protecting my career, protecting myself from the Clave, definitely, but also… it was about running from you. From that _feeling_ that was so big that I couldn’t… lock it down. Make it do what I wanted. I felt _so much_ for you, Magnus, you don’t even—” he runs a hand through his hair, laughing incredulously. “I think maybe I thought, with someone who I _couldn’t_ feel that way for, I could be in control again. As if that were ever possible when you were standing right there.”

Magnus pulls Alec’s hand to his chest, cradling it close. He thinks maybe he knew this, some of it anyway, somewhere deep down. Some part of him has always found new levels of understanding with Alec. But to hear Alec lay it all out like this…

“You know,” Alec continues, feeling it out, finally looking at Magnus again, “before I met you I didn’t think I was capable of it. Loving someone in that way. Not that I ever let anyone get close enough to _try_ , not that I… really wanted to, at least not on the surface _._ And I guess I convinced myself that it was fine, because that made everything easier, but—” he takes a shuddering breath, gripping Magnus’s knee with his free hand, “I don’t think it was fine. I think that I didn’t realize, until I met you, how _not_ -fine it was. How much it was bothering me, not having that. Not… being able to love like that.”

Magnus has to sit with it for a moment, the enormity of what Alec’s just admitted to him. Of what they’ve admitted to each other. When he’s able to internalize it, the true weight of it, he has to lean forward to take Alec’s face between his hands, press their foreheads together. 

“My darling,” he starts shakily, and feels Alec shiver at the touch of his breath, “I’m glad you were able to find that. That it makes you happy. But I need you to know that it would be okay if you never did. Even if you couldn’t be attracted to me, or anyone, in that way, it would be okay.”

Alec’s eyes blink open, and there are tears brimming on his lashes. “Magnus—”

“You are _so_ capable of love.” Magnus holds his face tighter, he feels like he needs to press the sentiment into his skin. “Even if that means something different for you than it does for me, or for other people, that doesn’t make it any less deep, or less meaningful. I need you to know that there’s nothing that could have stopped me from falling madly in love with you, from wanting you, even if you couldn’t love me back in the same way. I love the way you care for me. I love _your_ way of loving me.”

Alec pushes his forehead into Magnus’s, and Magnus cradles his face, lets his hands slide down to his neck, holding him close.

“Magnus—” Alec starts, and then swallows hard, gathering himself. “I don’t know what to do with you.”

Magnus kisses his cheek. “I can think of a few things.”

Alec laughs wetly, and Magnus pulls him into a hug, cradling Alec’s head to his chest.

“I’m so glad I found you,” Alec murmurs into the fabric of his shirt. “And I don’t just mean—what we were talking about. Just… in general. In every way.”

Magnus hums, running a hand through his hair. “Me too, darling.”

Magnus loves him _so_ much, so much that this, nothing changing between them, is almost crippling in its rush of relief. He loves him, and he wants to do something about it.

Alec pulls away from him after a moment, sits back upright. He’s smiling now, the tears gone from his eyes.

“I can see you thinking,” he says. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking…” Magnus trails a finger along Alec’s throat, “now that we’ve dealt with the hard stuff… what do you say we consummate this Valentine’s Day?”

Alec huffs out a laugh. “You still want to?”

“Yes. Why not?”

Alec shrugs, but doesn’t move away from Magnus’s hand. “I don’t know, that was kind of heavy? I thought you might want to… sit with it for a while.”

“There’ll be plenty of time for that later,” Magnus says. “Right now, the man I love has just made me feel like the most well-loved person in the world, and I would very much like to do something about it. How do you feel about that, darling?”

Alec leans in to kiss him, his forehead, the tip of his nose, his mouth. “Kinda like it.”

“Mmm. I thought you might.”

“Kinda want to—” Alec kisses him again, quickly “—make you feel good. Take care of you. If that’s what you want.”

Magnus swallows. _“Please.”_

Alec leans in to capture his mouth properly now, a hand coming up to cup Magnus’s throat, keeping him gently in place. Magnus sighs at the feeling, Alec’s soft mouth, his firm but careful hold. Alec’s always so careful with him.

“Good?” Alec says against his lips.

Magnus digs his fingers into his hair to pull him in closer. _“Yes.”_

Alec kisses him harder, tipping Magnus’s head back, one arm coming around him to brace his shoulders, hold him up. Alec kisses him with such want, and Magnus thinks, _bothered by your attraction? I_ love _your attraction. I love how you kiss me like it’s breathing. I love how unapologetic you are about it._

He loves how sometimes Alec trembles when they touch because he wants him so much. He loves how all of Alec’s focus is riveted on him. He loves how Alec’s body responds to his with such yearning.

“You’re so beautiful,” Alec murmurs into his mouth, and Magnus shivers. _“Oh,_ Magnus.”

“Your eyes are closed,” Magnus reminds him. So are his own, of course. It ramps up the sensation of Alec’s hands on him.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Magnus swallows, feeling Alec’s thumb bob on his throat with the movement. _God_ , he wants Alec to touch him, _properly_ , but he knows he won’t, not until he’s made Magnus _need_ it.

“How are you feeling?” Alec asks quietly.

“Treasured,” Magnus whispers, “keep going.”

Alec kisses along his temple, the shell of his ear, down to his jaw, starts mouthing at the skin under it. “So, if it’s not about attraction for you,” he says in between kisses, “what _do_ you like about sex?”

“Now who needs their ego stroked?”

Alec nips at the soft skin of his throat, and Magnus shudders. “I want you to tell me, if you’re willing. In your own words.”

“I like…” Magnus thinks about it. There’s _so_ much, especially when it’s sex with Alec. “I like being with you,” he says. “Being close to you.” Alec leans in closer, shadowing Magnus with his body. “Touching you.” Alec’s grip flexes on his throat. “Kissing you.” Alec leans back up to kiss the corner of Magnus’s mouth.

“I like being able to feel your breath, the heat of your body, the physical weight of you.” Alec guides them back across the bed, back toward the headboard and pillows. “I like your strength, the way you handle me: wanting, but never insistent. Waiting for me to come to you.” Magnus lays a hand on Alec’s jaw, and leans in, kisses him, and Alec slowly, carefully lays him down on the bed.

“I like,” Magnus says, the words shaky now as Alec lowers himself onto him, as satisfied pleasure starts to light up his limbs, “having you on top of me. Being reminded that I have a body.” Alec kisses him again, and Magnus follows his touch, a whine catching in the back of his throat. He lets out a shuddering gasp as they part. “I like feeling your lips. I like making you feel good, knowing that I can.” He trails a hand down Alec’s chest, clumsily undoing buttons as he goes.

Eventually he gives up and magically removes their shirts. “I like feeling your skin. Your muscles.” He runs a hand over Alec’s stomach, watching how his skin jumps. “I like how they react to my touch. I like how wide your pupils get when you look at me.” Alec casts him a soft smile at that. His fingers slip under the waistband of Magnus’s pants, playing with the button.

“Can I—?”

“Yes.”

Magnus braces his hands on Alec’s neck to stay still. He might be shaking a little, but it’s a good shaking, anticipation and want. “I like how the movement of your body moves me. I like how I can feel your love in your hands. I like knowing I’m not alone in the world.”

Alec’s struggling with their pants. Magnus snaps his fingers and they’re naked, and a sliver of cold runs through him before Alec’s mouth returns to his skin and thoroughly banishes it. “I like shivering as you undress me, and having you warm me up.”

“More like _you_ undressing us,” Alec mutters.

“Hush.”

Alec mouths at the hollow of his throat, then his collarbone, his shoulder, his sternum, his stomach, the jut of his hipbone, and then comes back up to capture his mouth again, and Magnus loses whatever he was going to say in the heat rising in his chest. He pulls Alec closer to him, fingers tightening in his hair. Alec takes advantage of Magnus’s preoccupation to spread his thighs, slip between them, and Magnus shivers at the vulnerability of it, at how much he likes having him there. He pulls up his knees to let him in closer.

“I like,” he finally manages to say, as Alec starts trailing his fingers along his hip, along his inner thigh, but _still_ not touching him where he wants, not yet, “how well you know me. How you know how to make me want it. Sometimes I think you knew me even before we met, and still you managed to learn so much about me.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” Alec says, still teasing him with that maddening gentle touch. Magnus’s hips cant up for him involuntarily, and he grins, and Magnus wants to kiss the expression off his face.

“You’re such a—”

Alec’s hand slips lower and Magnus cuts off with a gasp, losing his ability to speak for a second as white-hot pleasure flares up along his body from Alec’s touch, heat rising to the back of his neck, his jawline.

“You were saying?”

Magnus can’t even summon the energy to glare at him, too occupied with breathing through what’s he’s feeling. God, sometimes he forgets how much Alec affects him. He shouldn’t forget.

“Magnus?”

“Kiss me? Please?”

Alec does, and then his whole body is over Magnus again, which is perfect. Alec kisses him, long and deep and wanting until Magnus’s head is full of pleasant static and all he knows is the insistent press of Alec’s lips, the unsteady rhythm of Alec’s hand working against him, the weight of Alec’s body holding him down.

When Alec pulls away for a moment to catch his breath, Magnus tries to pick up where he left off, though his thoughts are fizzing out into haziness, taken over by Alec’s touch. “I like,” he says, “how you kiss me like you need it. I like how you touch me like it’s the best thing you know how to do.”

Alec kisses him again. “It is.”

He lets go of Magnus briefly to rummage in their nightstand drawer, and Magnus hums, and says, “I like how precise you are. And I like how you lose a bit of your control sometimes, but never your care for me.”

He’s vaguely aware of Alec slicking up his hand, but his attention is torn from it by Alec leaning in to pepper kisses to his face—his forehead, his eyelids, his lips, his nose, his cheeks, his lips again. He likes to do that, make sure Magnus is really thinking about how much he wants him before he touches him. As if Magnus could not be.

“I like—” the words get bitten off as Alec slides a finger in, Magnus’s whole body going taut with the feeling, a choked-off gasp catching in his throat. Alec cradles the back of his neck with his other hand, leans in close to speak directly in his ear.

_“Easy.”_

Magnus shudders.

Alec works Magnus slowly. He’s always so gradual with him, it drives Magnus insane. “I like,” he finally manages to say, “having you in control, because I know you’ll take care of me. I like—” he sucks in a breath as Alec slides in another finger. His muscles tighten around him involuntarily “—forgetting what I’m about to say because of how good you make me feel.”

He’s good, he’s _so_ good, everything about him is good, and Alec’s labored breathing in Magnus’s ear suggests Alec is enjoying this just as much as he is. “I like,” Magnus continues, “suddenly remembering that you’re mine.” He feels a smile curve along his ear at that.

“Don’t forget,” Alec says, slipping a third finger in. Magnus’s body shudders with it and by God he needs Alec to go _faster_.

“I like,” he says, and it’s a challenge now, “having you in me. I like wrapping my legs around your waist. I like when you lose your breath because you’re feeling so much. I like tasting your skin. I like—”

“It’s like that, huh?” Alec mutters, and then he’s pulling his fingers out. Magnus whines at the absence of him. Alec lines himself up, and hesitates for a moment, and Magnus shakes with anticipation for him.

“Good?” Alec asks.

 _“Please_ , Alexander—”

Alec pushes into him, slow and careful and clearly intended to make Magnus lose his fucking mind. Magnus gasps at the feeling of him, his words cutting off, grasping at the sheets for balance and then at Alec’s shoulders. Pleasure rushes through him in a wave that has him pleasantly floating for a second before it evens out.

Alec holds him, steadies him. “I got you. Okay? I got you.”

He sounds sort of wrecked himself, and Magnus smiles as he starts to move, wrapping his legs around Alec’s back to deepen the angle. “I like how you know what you want.” His words ebb and flow with Alec’s movements, and he loses track of what he’s saying a few times, but he doesn’t stop. “I like the heat of your mouth. I like holding you impossibly close to me. I like being a part of you. I like how much you want me. I hope you know I want you back, even if it’s not exactly in the same way.”

Alec pauses from where he’s mouthing at Magnus’s throat to look up at him. “I do,” he says, “I do.”

“I like how understanding you are. I like how much you care.” Alec starts moving faster, rocking Magnus on the bed, and Magnus has trouble keeping his words up. “I like how _fucking_ beautiful you are when your hair gets all disheveled and you start to lose control. I like how beautiful you are when you come.”

Pleasure shudders through him with Alec’s movements, and Magnus has to close his eyes for a second to ground himself. He clutches at Alec’s face, his hair, anything he can reach. “I like how I feel like lightning’s running through me when we’re connected. I like feeling your desire. I like feeling your skill. I like your hands and your—”

He’s cut off as Alec kisses him, sloppy and wet and uncontained, losing the slightest edge of his control, and it’s perfect, and Magnus tangles his hands in his hair, kissing him back.

“You’re going to have to stop talking,” Alec says, voice hoarse, “or I’m going to come.”

“Who says I don’t want you to?”

_“Magnus.”_

Magnus grins against his lips, running a hand through Alec’s sweat-dampened hair. “Just remember, darling, _you asked_ for this, I’m only doing what you—”

Alec kisses the words out of his mouth, pushing Magnus down into the bed with his body, and Magnus laughs against him, delighted as he always is when he can goad such a reaction out of his tightly-controlled boyfriend. Alec starts moving again, and Magnus pulls him in closer, as close as he can get him.

“I like,” he says, cradling Alec’s jaw, fascinated by the way the light shifts over his shoulders, catches in his hair, “how every time with you is different. I like how every time with you teaches me something about you. About myself.”

“Yeah, we sure learned a lot about ourselves tonight,” Alec says, and Magnus throws his head back to laugh, and he loves this, the mix of arousal and joy as Alec kisses him again, right at his pulse point.

“I like how delicate you are,” Magnus says, thumbing at Alec’s lower lip, and Alec kisses his hand, “and how strong. I like how you can always make me laugh. I like being surrounded by you. I like… you. I _love_ you.”

Alec actually whines, his movements faltering. _“Magnus.”_

Magnus runs his hands through Alec’s hair, letting him lean into the touch. He brings him back up to his lips for another kiss, and Alec starts moving again, faster, reaching for a higher sensation. And Magnus is silent now, but he loves that his body moves with him, loves the way his body accommodates him, loves that he can feel the drag of Alec in him, can feel so presently that Alec wants him. He can’t speak anymore, just breathes through it, the rising swell of heat, the love from Alec’s touch.

When he comes, it’s quiet. His mind, the world around him. His body is alight, muscles shaking through it, tightening around Alec, his hands clutch at Alec’s hair. And he realizes that for the first time, his mind has stopped circling, stopped trying to make him find what he can’t experience, or fake it, stopped trying to make him run. Instead, he’s just feeling it, what he needs to feel, what he can feel.

Alec follows him soon after, pressing his face into Magnus’s throat. Magnus holds him close to his chest, watching him, _feeling_ him. Freed from the weight of Alec’s desire as something he has to live up to, Magnus is able to witness it in all its glory, see how Alec’s body comes apart for him, how he presses close to Magnus like he can’t get enough of his skin, is able to marvel at the vulnerability of the moment, how high Alec is brought because of him. For him. Over him.

It’s an immense privilege to hold.

Alec collapses on top of him, starts to move back—but Magnus grabs onto him, urges him to stay, don’t pull out yet. He lets Alec lay between his legs, cradles his head to his chest. “I like,” he begins softly, stroking Alec’s hair, “keeping you in me like this, just gentle, when it’s almost too much. I like not wanting you to separate from me yet. I like the weight of you when your muscles are all worn out and the tiredness hits. I like how radiant you are, afterwards. During. Always. I like feeling you when I move. I like how well-cared-for you make me feel. I like falling asleep with you pressed up against me. I like holding you.”

Alec hums, the sound reverberating through Magnus’s chest, and then says, sort of quietly, that note of longing still threading through his voice—

_“Magnus.”_

And Magnus swallows, and repeats himself, at a loss for what else to say when this one sentence seems to sum up all of it, the immensity of feeling in his chest and the granular, real weight of their love, its physical presence.

“I like holding you.” 

Alec pushes himself up to kiss him, lazy, slow, tired, wanting. “Good?” he asks when their lips separate, always so careful of Magnus even in the hazy aftermath of their desire. Magnus holds his face between his hands.

“Good,” he confirms, kissing Alec’s nose. “Perfect. You’re perfect. I—” he starts to say something about how he’s never felt like this with a partner before, so _unburdened_ , but decides it can wait for a more sober moment. For now, he just wants to lie still with his lover, letting Alec hold him, breathing him in. “I love you.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” Alec murmurs, tucking his face into the juncture of Magnus’s neck and shoulder, wrapping his arms around him. Magnus listens to his breathing, tipping his head back against the pillows and letting his eyes fall shut.

In the quiet dark Alec sighs into his throat, “I love you.”

***

“What are you thinking about?”

Magnus blinks back to awareness, not realizing he’d been totally spacing out, forkful of chocolate cake halfway to his mouth. He’d been fixated on the line of Alec’s jaw, his neck, the dip of his collarbone, the lithe strength of him. The scattering of stubble that Alec’s started to grow out because he knows Magnus likes it. He feels sort of intoxicated on Alec’s presence, and that feeling is still new to him, invigorating and frightening and confusing in equal measure.

He kind of wants to jump into Alec’s lap, and he isn’t sure what to _do_ with that feeling. Whether to treasure or examine it.

“I’m thinking about you,” Magnus says, and pops the bite of cake into his mouth. What else is he ever thinking about, when they’re together?

Alec smiles, twisting his fork around on his plate. “Anything in particular?”

Magnus wants to tell him. He knows Alec will want to hear how he’s feeling, particularly in this instance. But… it’s only been a year since _last_ Valentine’s Day, since he’d confessed that he _didn’t_ feel this way about Alec. How will Alec feel, if he takes it back now? Lied to? Deceived?

“Magnus?”

Alec’s put his fork down and is looking at him with some concern. And Magnus knows he should ease into the topic, remind Alec of their conversation last year, perhaps. Instead his gaze gets caught on the collar of Alec’s shirt, the vee in the fabric where he’s popped open the top few buttons. The glimpse of his chest. The hollow of his throat as he swallows.

And what comes out of his mouth is, “Fuck me.”

Alec blinks at him, startled, and then laughs. _“What?”_

And it’s not that Magnus never initiates sex, but he usually doesn’t do it like _this_. He initiates when he’s feeling a particularly intense swell of emotion for his husband. He initiates when he’s craving it. He initiates when they come home from a tough battle and he needs to feel him close.

He _doesn’t_ initiate it because the curve of Alec’s fucking _jawline_ has him squirming in his seat, heat rising along his throat. How do people live like this?

Oh. He’s— he’s people now, isn’t he?

In the same breath he thinks, _Christ, my husband is fucking hot_.

Alec isn’t _doing_ anything in particular to warrant this thought, other than looking at him with this sort of fond and amused expression that makes Magnus feel all warm inside. But he doesn’t have to do anything, Magnus is thinking it anyway.

He keeps staring at Alec, overwhelmed by the simple feeling of wanting him. He’s been feeling hints of it for a while now, little moments where Alec’s presence makes his breath catch in his throat, but not like this. It’s been a long time, and he’d almost forgotten what it feels like.

Slowly Alec’s gaze slips back into concern. “Magnus?”

Magnus opens his mouth to say something, but he can’t. He swallows instead, his throat getting stuck over it; he feels almost shaken. _By Lilith._ This is intolerable, and he _loves_ it.

Alec stands up, warning lines in his posture. “Magnus?”

Magnus shakes himself. “I’m fine. I’m fine! I’m sorry, darling.”

Alec comes over to him anyway, going down on one knee so he’s at Magnus’s eye level. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

Oh, this is so much worse. Alec’s body close to his. The soft slant of his mouth. His concerned dark eyes. Then Alec reaches out to cup his jaw with a broad palm and Magnus is a goner.

“No,” he says, “not really.” And pitches forward to kiss him.

Alec lets him for a moment, and Magnus revels in the heat of his mouth, the way his lips part automatically at Magnus’s touch, the intoxicating nearness of him. Then he’s propping Magnus up by the shoulders and pushing him away, not too far, just far enough to talk to him lucidly.

“Magnus!” he says. He looks a little alarmed. “What’s going on?”

And this is why, Magnus reflects, he should have talked to him about this _before_ it made itself manifest. He curses his past self’s insecurities for depriving him now.

“Nothing,” he says, and can tell Alec doesn’t believe him. “Well, nothing _bad_ ,” he clarifies, and Alec’s expression eases a bit. Magnus takes a deep breath, not sure how Alec will respond to this. He won’t respond badly, right? Surely he won’t.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he repeats, and runs a hand through Alec’s hair with a sigh, cringing a little at the almost dreamy note of it. Alec catches it, too, if his incredulous expression is anything to go by. “I just… want you.”

Alec swallows roughly. _“What?”_ he sounds sort of strangled. “Do you mean—?”

Magnus nods.

“I don’t understand,” Alec confesses. “Last time you said— did something change?”

“I suppose so,” Magnus says, “though nothing you would be able to see. When we talked about this, I told you that I don’t really experience attraction, right?”

Alec nods, brow furrowing.

Magnus continues, “Sometimes that changes over time. I’m sorry, I should have told you—I just didn’t want to leave you hoping for something that might have never come.”

“I wasn’t hoping for anything,” Alec says. His thumbs rub circles into Magnus’s shoulders. “What makes it change?”

A blush rises to Magnus’s cheeks. He has to look away over Alec’s shoulder. “It’s usually… emotional connection. The, uh. The deeper the bond, the more likely it is that I’ll develop attraction for that person.”

“Oh.” Out of the corner of his eye Magnus can just about see the way Alec’s expression shifts into something incredibly soft, almost wondrous. He has to look away even further to not go blind witnessing it. “Why wouldn’t you tell me about that?”

“Well, I can’t control it, can I?” Magnus says, finally turning back to look at him. “How would it make you feel if I told you I sometimes experience attraction with a strong emotional bond, and then that _didn’t_ happen for us?”

Alec sighs. “That’s for me to handle.” Magnus is gratified that he doesn’t try to say that it wouldn’t hurt him, at least a little, even if it makes something twist in his chest. “I always want you to be honest with me, especially if it’s something important to you.”

Magnus leans in to press his face to Alec’s neck. He always feels the need to hide from Alec’s loving declarations, just a bit. It’s the only way he feels he can deserve them.

“I’m sorry, darling.”

Alec cradles the back of his head. “Don’t,” he says quietly. “It’s okay.”

Magnus feels like Alec maybe needs to hold him, so he stays still in his arms for a long moment. It’s not like he has any objections to this anyway.

“Do you want to talk about it some more?” Alec says into his ear. And the thing is, Alec’s fierce concern has done absolutely nothing to ease the warmth fluttering in Magnus’s gut. Being so close to him really only makes it worse.

Magnus doesn’t really want to talk about it. Unless by talk about it Alec means ‘explore this development more one-on-one.’ Preferably in the bedroom, but Magnus isn’t feeling very picky.

He presses a slow kiss to the underside of Alec’s jaw, mouthing at the skin there like he’s never seen it before. And maybe he hasn’t, not in this light.

“How about I show you?” he says.

Alec looks at him then. His gaze is dark and wanting. And it’s interesting, Magnus thinks, to know that feeling for himself. He wonders how Alec feels, having it directed back at him.

He doesn’t have to wonder for long. Alec pulls him down into a kiss, pulls him forward until they’re falling back onto the floor, pulls him in until they’re kissing deeper, full of passion and longing that makes Magnus moan low in his throat.

“Show me,” Alec says.

Magnus doesn’t think they’re going to make it to bed.

Afterwards, Magnus has to lie still for a long moment to catch his breath. He can feel Alec beside him, similarly still, wiped out. They _had_ made to the bed, eventually, after Magnus had complained that Alec was going to get a backache from lying on the hard floor, and Alec had picked him up and carried him to their bedroom.

That’s an image Magnus is going to be holding in his head for a while.

“That was…” Alec finally says, sounding breathless, “interesting.”

“A good interesting?”

“Definitely.”

Magnus hesitates, then asks, “A _better_ interesting?” Will Alec feel cheated, he wonders, knowing he could have had this all along with someone else?

Alec turns on his side to face him. _“Different_ ,” he corrects, “not better. I like you any way, Magnus.”

Magnus turns on his side too, warmth flooding his chest, and reaches out to take Alec’s hand on top of the sheets.

“Have you ever felt like that before?” Alec asks.

Magnus thinks about it. “Mmm. A handful of times, with people I was deeply involved with.” He hopes Alec doesn’t feel less special for not being the only one.

It doesn’t seem like it. He just hums consideringly. “What’s it like? That change?”

Magnus plays with his fingers. “You know how, when you read romance novels, they say these things like, ‘when I met you, everything slotted into place’?”

“Sure?”

Magnus grins at him. “It’s _not_ like that.”

Alec’s face creases into a smile and he rolls his eyes. “Okay, you drama queen. Then what _is_ it like?”

“It’s like…” Magnus thinks about it. His gaze falls on the window, which is cracked open, letting in a sliver of cold. “It’s like opening your window when it’s raining. That cold rush, the crisp wet air. Suddenly the raindrops that were formerly only on the outside of the glass are _in_ your house, too. And you’re not entirely sure that you want them there, but you like the feeling of the water on your hands.”

He looks back at Alec to find him looking at him with an absolutely adoring expression on his face. It makes Magnus feel sort of pleasantly squirmy inside. He has to pull his hands in close to his chest to hold it in.

“It’s just… different,” he continues. “And it feels a little strange. It doesn’t feel… more _right_ , or anything, but it does feel _real_. It feels physical in a way that I sometimes don’t. Like someone’s taking my hand and pulling me through a doorway.” He shrugs, one-shouldered. “I kind of like the rush.”

“It’s like learning something new,” Alec says. His expression is deeply knowing and terribly fond. He reaches out to cradle Magnus’s jaw. “You’ve always liked that.”

Magnus smiles. “I have.”

He may not always be good with change, but he loves learning. He likes learning about magic. He likes learning about himself, even though it’s hard. He likes learning about Alec.

“Thank you,” he says, pulling Alec’s hand to his mouth to kiss his knuckles, “for learning it with me.”

Alec rolls his eyes, but it’s a fond eyeroll, one that makes Magnus want to kiss him with a laugh on his lips.

“Please,” he says, tugging Magnus on top of himself and kissing him, hands bracketing his jaw, “as if you ever have to thank me for that.”

**Author's Note:**

> i've been so deep in this that i don't even know anymore if it's resonant with anyone else's experience. but i hope so
> 
> [tumblr](https://cuubism.tumblr.com)


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